Things you can't have
by Moggie
Summary: [COMPLETE][GSR] Is it really too late?


Things you can't have  
  
Author: Moggie  
  
Pairing: G/S Category: Angst, Drama Rating: R Summary: Is it too late? Spoilers: none Disclaimer: I do not under any circumstances own CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.  
  
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Chapter 1  
  
She sat on her kitchen counter with his body pressed against hers urgently. His hand caressed her naked back softly as his mouth hungrily feasted on hers. Moans and groans waved through the room at the intense feelings that had suddenly exploded between them. It had been a long time coming, but the only thing holding them back was him and now he was here in her apartment, kissing her, touching her and whispering sweet words into her ears as his body ground against hers in earnest.  
  
Just as she opened his shirt and her warm hands pushed over his shoulders, he suddenly pulled back. His eye averted from hers as he took another step back. She watched him as her breathing matched his, gasping pants of air as the atmosphere seemed to thicken. His eyes looked at her for a brief second before he dropped them to his shirt and began buttoning it up. His chest was heaving with the emotional war he was trying hard to fight off. She couldn't take her eyes from his hands as the last button was buttoned. He stood there, looking at the floor. Her head slowly turned to look down at her hands as she reached for her blouse that had landed on the cooker. She quietly pulled it on and did the buttons up, almost numbly as he spoke the words she dreaded.  
  
"I can't do this." He whispered coldly, projecting no emotion behind his words.  
  
He turned and as the door shut behind him, her tears had already fallen and started to soak her shirt. She sat there a while longer as the sobs shook her body. Her arms wrapped around her as she unsteadily made her way to the bathroom and showered. For some reason her body felt horrible. All the amazing emotions and sensations he had evoked on her body, now felt disgusting. She stood under the water for a long time. The tears never seemed to stop, even as she climbed into bed and cried herself to sleep.  
  
******************  
  
His head hurt like no headache he'd had in a long time. Forgetting about his medication altogether, he threw himself on his bed and pulled his pillow against his chest. The tears started as he closed her door. His heart ached, his chest full of pain and his head screamed at him for doing this to her. He knew he hurt her. He knew he used her. He knew he practically seduced her. What he didn't know was what was going to happen when he saw her at work tomorrow.  
  
Soaking the pillow completely, he only fell asleep by the exhaustion of inflicting pain on the one thing he cared most about in the entire world and now he would never get that close again.  
  
His body was tired when he woke from his restless night and the drive into work was that of dread and regret. He knew she'd be there, but couldn't bring himself to say anything.  
  
******************  
  
She sat in the locker room with Nick. Nick was changing as she was staring at her gun and badge. Cleaning her gun absentmindedly, she stuffed her badge into her pocket and put her gun back together. Clipping it to her belt, she stood and walked straight past him without a glanced or a word.  
  
Nick looked up as the door closed and noticed the other person staring at his closed locker. "You ok Griss? You know she's had a hard few weeks. Don't let it get to you. She hasn't spoke to any of us in a while." Nick assured patting the older mans shoulder and left the room.  
  
Grissom looked across the room at her locker before dropping his head to the floor and cursing himself for being so cruel and heartless. He'd hurt her so bad she can't even look at him or breath in his presence. Nick thinks its about her behaviour she has projected the past few weeks, but little does he know that Grissom knew exactly what had caused her to close herself off.  
  
******************  
  
Four weeks later and another heart wrenching case crossed the paths of the CSI's and again no CSI wasn't seen at some point that showed that they were affected. that is for one person. She had shut down completely. Barely saying a word. A thank you here and there and a what next before heading away from any human being to follow up a lead. She'd shown no emotion and that scared everyone, but mostly it scared him.  
  
He hadn't known his handbrake stop, wrench in the works, red light or cold words could throw her into a different place altogether. She had turned away from any banter between Warrick and Nick and even Greg and David had said that they were worried. She showed no heart into her work. No emotion, no expression that she was angry the suspect got away. His only way to deal with this was to ignore it and get on with his work.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
She didn't turn up for work again.  
  
Grissom sat at his desk and held the phone to his ear. Catherine, Nick and Warrick stood in the middle of his office as he made the call.  
  
He looked up at them and shook his head. "No answer."  
  
Nick muttered something and stormed out of the room. "I going round there."  
  
Catherine and Warrick grabbed an arm each and stopped him. "No Nicky. Let someone else go."  
  
"Why?" He asked confused.  
  
Grissom watched the silent looks shared between the three. He rubbed his face and sighed. "Because she's mad at me."  
  
Everyone turned to their boss and waited. When nothing else came, Catherine picked his keys up and tossed them across his desk. "Well, go."  
  
Standing stiffly, he looked at the blonde woman and shook his head. "I can't." He whispered.  
  
Nick and Warrick left the room when Catherine turned to them. Turning her attention back to the man who was now standing by his window and staring out at the night sky. "Why can't you Gil?" She asked softly, coming to stand beside him.  
  
His head dropped to the windowsill. "She won't talk to me."  
  
Catherine nodded. "I had noticed."  
  
He looked up and seemed to look through her. "She won't ever talk to me again."  
  
"Why?" Catherine pressed.  
  
Grissom turned back to the window and said in barely a whisper. "Because I did something I shouldn't and I can't take it back."  
  
Catherine tilted her head to one side in confusion. "Did what?" He didn't answer and she reached out to place her hand on his arm. What surprised her was that he pulled away and turned his back to her. "Gil, I know you wouldn't do anything to hurt Sara intentionally, so it can't be that bad. You're going to have to tell me."  
  
He was quiet for a long time before he turned to her with tears. Catherine moved to him and pulled him to her. "I hurt her bad Cath." He whispered weakly into her shoulder. His arms wrapped around her as more tears fell.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
Taking a shaky breath, he pulled away and wiped his eyes. "You may want to hit me if I tell you and I'd rather not be that close."  
  
Catherine smiled sadly. "I won't hit you. It's probably nothing." She assured him.  
  
He shook his head. "I went over to hers to apologise about snapping at her during the Weavers case and I couldn't stop myself."  
  
Catherine's eyes widened. "What do you mean Gil?" After a few minutes and the faraway look in his eyes, she gasped and covered her mouth. "You didn't Gil? Tell me you didn't."  
  
He violently shook his head. "I could never do that." He swore.  
  
"Please tell me what happened Gil. You're scaring me." She pleaded.  
  
Looking at his hands, he slowly wiped the fresh tears away, but they continued to fall. "I kissed her." Catherine waited for him to continue and when he did, his voice was full of pain and his breathing was shallow. "I kissed her and she kissed me and before it got too far. I stopped it."  
  
Catherine breathed out in relief. "I'm sure you had a reason Gil. She must have understood."  
  
He sighed angrily and clenched his fists. "I told her I couldn't do it. I left her alone. I practically force myself on her and I left without an explanation. I took her feelings for me and gave nothing in return. She wouldn't even look at me. She wouldn't talk to me. She turned so cold and hid every time I tried. I've tried for weeks and I never got a word from her." His body was shaking with such intensity he had to sit down.  
  
"You apologised?" She asked and he nodded in reply. "You said weeks? How come neither of us knew she was avoiding you?"  
  
He snorted. "Probably because she's punishing me and didn't want you all butting in. She puts her mind to doing something and she won't stop until she gets the results she wants."  
  
Catherine sat down across from him and sighed. "You need to talk to her."  
  
Grissom's head snapped up. "I told you she wont talk to me." He said coldly.  
  
"So, go to hers and make her."  
  
He glared at her. "You don't think I've done plenty of that already?"  
  
Catherine dropped her eyes to his hands as they gripped the desk. His knuckles were white. She watched him stand and walk back to the window. Catherine ventured speaking again, but more carefully this time. "You need to tell her Gil. Explain what happened and why you stopped it. You won't know until you both talk." He leaned against the windowsill and stared out at the city. "If you go now and make sure she's ok. You can always use the missing work for an excuse if." She was cut off by the sound of glass breaking. "Jesus Gil!" Catherine rushed over to him and grasped his wrist.  
  
"Just leave me alone Cath. please." He begged looking down at his hand.  
  
She looked on quietly as he sat down and pulled out a first aid kit. Catherine moved to the door and when she opened it, she glared at the small crowd that had form and they slowly dispersed. "I'll call maintenance. You'll be ok right?" He nodded and quietly asked her to close the door.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Catherine sat in the break room with Warrick and Nick. They were talking about going to see Sara, but couldn't make up their minds. It would have been their first choice if it hadn't been for Catherine telling them that Grissom was going to go, but she also told them that she didn't know when. She explained that he needed time to build up what courage he had left to confront her. They all knew that their boss and friend held strong feelings for their young co-worker and friend. Time would tell what happens next.  
  
******************  
  
Knocking on the door loudly, he took a deep breath. He had to force himself to knock and when he did it was too loud. It was not his intention to knock so hard, but if he didn't do it then, then he would have turned and left.  
  
Not getting an answer, he looking through the window. The drapes were closed and he thought he could see a faint flicker of light in the middle of the room. It looked like a candle, although he couldn't be sure. Knocking again and this time more softly, he waited. Biting his bottom lip, he took a step back, but didn't turn and leave. Instead, he sat on the wall of the steps and waited. He decided that if she didn't answer, then he'd sit and wait until she did.  
  
After what seemed like forever, he sighed lightly and looked down at his left hand. Lifting it lightly, he stretched out his fingers the best he could, but the swelling wasn't going to let him. The pain was shooting through his hand and wrist like fire, but he wouldn't take anything to stop it. There was no point. He'd caused pain and now he didn't see any reason why he shouldn't feel more than the rest of his body.  
  
An hour drifted by slowly. He was still sitting there. Looking out at the road, then the lights of the city, then the cars that past, then the people that walked by and even watched and cat rolling in the dirt of the flower beds of Sara's next door neighbour. The cat now sat on the step in front of him and watched him closely like he was a large mouse. Grissom leaned forward and stroked the cat's ears lightly and smiled slightly at the loud purring. The cat brushed it's nose and chin other his shoe and flopped onto it's side. Looking out over the grass, Grissom absently stroked the tabby cats fur. Feeling a small collar, Grissom looked down and read the metal tag.  
  
'Blake 232 555 573 (I don't know any USA numbers) S. Sidle'  
  
"Hey Blake." He whispered. "Where's Sara huh?" Blake purred some more and rolled over onto his side and stretched out. Grissom rubbed Blake's stomach. "I'm really worried about her." He said sadly and quietly.  
  
"Funny." Came a dry laugh from the path. Grissom's head snapped up and his eyes fell upon Sara standing a few feet from him with a knapsack in her right hand. She continued as he opened his mouth to speak. "Gil Grissom the joker. Kinda has a ring to it. Never pegged you as a worrier Grissom, but then again I don't know you." She walked up the steps and unlocked her door.  
  
"You weren't at work." He said before thinking. His auto pilot kicked in and his brain screamed at him.  
  
She scoffed. "Yeah, so." Pushing her door open, she watched as Blake charged past her and headed straight for his water bowl and biscuits. She left the door open as she disappeared into the house. Grissom stood in the doorway and watched as Blake lapped up the water and munched on biscuits before finding a spot on the couch and throwing himself down on the cushion. Sara walked back into the living room and went into the kitchen. Turning on the coffee maker, she turned and leaned back against the counter. "Come to finish what you started Grissom or are you just going to stand there?"  
  
Grissom closed the door after him and stood in the entrance of the kitchen. "You weren't at work."  
  
Sara nodded. "Yes. I do know that."  
  
His eyes narrowed in confusion. "Why?"  
  
Turning back to the coffee, she sighed. "Didn't feel like coming in, that's all."  
  
She spoke so quietly, he had to move closer to hear her. "Are you sick?" He asked concerned.  
  
Sara dropped her head and shook it slowly. "No Grissom, I'm not sick. I just wanted time alone."  
  
"Why?" He stepped closer and was now standing in the same place when he was last in her house. She was standing in front of the coffee and he was beside her. Only then, they were talking and apologising for all the unsaid things. Then he reached out for her hand and pulled her into a strong embrace. The contact was intoxicating for both and Grissom found himself kissing her neck and soon Sara was sitting on her kitchen counter with Grissom pressed against her.  
  
Sara looked at him as he suddenly went quiet. She saw the look on his face as he remembered. She turned away and the tears came. She cursed herself for letting her barrier slip. Grissom snapped out of his trance and stared at her back.  
  
"You should go." She said softly.  
  
Grissom looked at his hand and shook his head. "No."  
  
Furrowing her brows, she turned to him. Her tears stopping briefly as she looked into his eyes. "No?" She repeated.  
  
"I'm not going anywhere Sara." His voice wavered when he said her name and she knew he was struggling, but couldn't figure out from what. As she stood there in front of him, he stepped towards her slowly.  
  
"Grissom." His right hand came up to touch her face. Her head bowed down as he tried to raise her eyes to his.  
  
"Why is it so hard to want the things you can't have?" He whispered. His fingers traced her cheekbone lightly. "I'm sorry." His words were so soft as he stepped closer. "I never meant to hurt you." His head bent to try and see her face. Her body was not touching, but it was close enough for him to smell her shampoo. "I was scared." He admitted. Sara looked into his eyes with her tear filled ones. Grissom smiled sadly. "I regret leaving you. I hate my self so much." He hiccuped. "I understand if you hate me. I understand if you never want to see me again, but please believe me when I say I'm sorry." His chin dropped to his chest as his tears fell. "I never meant to take advantage of you."  
  
Sara closed the small gap and cupped his cheek. "You didn't." She stress. "I don't hate you." She whispered. Staring at his lips, she bit her bottom lip to keep from bursting out crying. "I wanted to hurt you the way you did me." She explained. "I ignored you, kept away, but it hurt in return so I had to leave."  
  
Grissom couldn't hold it in any longer. "Sara." She looked up and in a second his lips were on hers in a soft and gently union of lips.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Sara pulled away quickly. "No, you are not doing this again."  
  
Grissom reached for her and pulled her against him. "Please Sara. I'm sorry."  
  
She looked up at him and sighed. "You will stop it or you'll leave."  
  
Grissom lowered his head and kissed her forehead. He placed light kisses down her cheek to her neck. "I'm not going anywhere Sara."  
  
Sara's hands pushed up his back and gripped his shirt. She moved her head to join their lips. The kiss was soft at first, but then strong and deep. Grissom pushed her back against the wall that separated the kitchen and living room. His hands pulled her shirt over her head and his mouth found her lace covered breast. Sara moaned at his hot breath on her body. Grissom lifted her into his arms and carried her down the hall to her room.  
  
Laying on the bed, they rid themselves of all the clothing. Sara pushed Grissom onto his back and straddled him. His eyes bore into hers and closed as her stomached pressed against his arousal. She leaned over to her nightstand and pulled out a condom. She leaned over him and kissed him softly. Breaking apart, Sara scooted down his body. She breathed against the hardness before wrapped her lips around the head. Grissom groaned loudly at the sensations and held onto the sheets tightly. After bringing him close to the edge, Sara rolled the latex over his throbbing erection. Grissom whimpered and pulled her up to his quickly.  
  
"You are a bad tease Sara." He gruffly growled before claiming her mouth and turning them. Sara tried to turn them, but Grissom held her down. "Behave." He chuckled.  
  
Sara grinned. "Spoilsport."  
  
He kissed her again as he slid into her warmth. His body almost exploded at the intensity of being inside her. He pushed himself to hold on as long as possible, but each thrust was agony. She kissed his cheek and brushed his curls back as he grunted into her neck.  
  
"Your killing me." He laughed.  
  
Sara giggled. "You're a strong man." She moaned into his ear as he thrust hard into her. Her nails scrapped down his back as he continued to hold on. His body was shaking and his arms were barely holding him up.  
  
Grissom gave in and collapsed when Sara screamed out his name. He rolled onto his side, pulling Sara with him. He kissed her hair as they gained control of their breathing. "Maybe you can have the things you can't have." He whispered.  
  
Sara snuggled closer. "Gil?"  
  
Grissom smiled at the sound of his first name. "Yeah?"  
  
"I can't believe you only just figured that out." She giggled.  
  
THE END 


End file.
